Not everything sucks....

So... in my life I have a bad habit of noticing things that suck and not saying enough about the good stuff... the stuff I like and all. In the process of doing this no one knows what I like for the most part... just what I don't like (such as; I dislike politics the way most people see, the philosophy sucks in it.... I dislike sellouts, you people use to love what you all did, now you just do it for money, you all suck (that may be a little harsh but it's an example so get over it)).

Upon realizing this I realized it was time for people to see me and what I actually like, and love. All the stuff that doesn't suck. It's time I get back to that stuff and enjoy that stuff in life... not look for what sucks every second of the day. So here's some stuff that I enjoy.

1) I enjoy rainy days, and getting to take spontaneous walks in the rain. The smell of the rain is one of the best smells I've ever known as well.

2) I enjoy animals of basically every kind. I don't know of one animal I don't like. So many are misunderstood and mistreated. I enjoy how playful they can be... and they are some of the most passionate creations of God.

3) I enjoy dancing. This use to be my life, I would do it everyday at anytime, and until recently I lost what it was about and why I did it. For three years I dared not to dance, and in one night it became one of my favorite things to do again. Requiring passion is an understatement on this one. It requires a ton of it... that provides the energy and emotion to convey what you want to in the dance. It demands a connection with one person whom you are dancing with. It is one of the greatest reminders in my life of the relationships God wants me to have.

4) I enjoy music. Music has been part of my life forever (if it hasn't been in your life then you've been living under a rock....) and I'm extremely glad it has been. It started off just by listening... having a cousin sing to me, then went to listening to the radio and what not. Finally I started playing it. A few times I lost what it meant to be a musician and became one of those sellouts mentioned above. But I love getting to pick up a guitar and play songs of hope and inspiration, maybe sometime of a hardship in my life, but then tell how I made it through. It's pretty amazing.

Lock In Filled With Opportunity?

Tonight I helped at lock in at a baptist church about a mile away from my house. The story of how I came by it is funny but simple. I quite literally walked in by accident. I was playing basketball at this church when I was invited in for a cold drink. When I got inside I realized they were getting ready for something so my curiosity peaked and I had to ask what it was. When the answer was a youth lock in I immediately became interested but didn't say anything. Eventually, Jackie, the youth intern minister asked if I'd like to hang around and help. I said sure, not exactly sure what was going to be going on. Jackie and I talked for a while when she brought up the fact that she had a lesson ready but wasn't going to school to be a youth minister. Somehow we got on the topic that that's what I had been going to MACU for and she asked me to do the lesson. I gladly and without hesitation accepted this invitation only to question what would I talk about. Then I realized that this was a lock in, a place of fellowship. So I took that and made it my lesson... one on fellowship. Before hand I had already been presented with so many questions and so little answers to give back... but by the end most the questions were answered and those that weren't are bound to be answered soon. I have found myself between options here... but a couple have come from this lock in and has filled my life with a new wonder of what may come. These youth are amazing, it's hard to believe I should know most of them and that I probably went to school with half of them. This was a blessed night filled with energy, laughter, voices, lost voices from yelling, running, talking, and sharing. The only thing that concerns me is that this youth only has two big leaders and one is leaving soon. The second is fixing to be a senior in high school. The rest aren't really disciplined kids. Smokers, drinkers, drug abusers, drop outs... the list goes on.. but basically they need guidance. Who will bring that when their leaders are gone? It might have been a night of opportunity for me... but what did it do for them?

Goodnight Past

Flipping through these pages

I think about the good and the bad

About love and all the crazy things it'll make you do

Turning a simple life into something so complex

Goodnight past, it was good to know you

Hi to my future sitting staring at me

So shy yet joyous with the smile on her face

Blushing, living life as best as possible

Diary pages talking about the old days fall

New pen marks made filled with your name

Our history not quite at length

But memories we made a lifetime of

Knowing each other like we had all our lives

Hoping for a future with you above all

Caught in amazement at the wonder of you

Longing to hear you voice when I call

Goodnight past, it was good to know you

Hi to my future sitting staring at me

So shy yet joyous with the smile on her face

Blushing, living life as best as possible

All of my life, and nothing less

I'm giving up on holding out

My mind is not calling the shots

Nothing will interfere with the heart

Goodnight past, it was good to know you

Hi to my future sitting staring at me

So shy yet joyous with the smile on her face

Blushing, living life as best as possible

I heard this song before I posted the last blog I did and thought of it afterwards today and went it was pretty perfect. Also it reminded of my good friend Josh that passed away today after being in a head on collision with a driver that was on the wrong side of the highway with no lights on. You will be missed man.

So... this morning I found myself awake after three hours of sleep at about 2:00. I couldn't decide whether to lie down again or what I should do. I lay still for a while... listening. The world seemed... I guess the word to use would be dead. I don't live anywhere fancy... anywhere where there is constant hustle and bustle. But everyday, from about the time of 5:30 to about 12:00 am maybe... everything seems alive... the birds chirping, people laughing, crying, moving around, loving, and in general feeling. But for four days straight I couldn't sleep... and before the end of it I didn't want to eat.... I thought for sure that I was getting sick or something was wrong. Little did I know that this was a blessing in disguise.

Throughout the past few nights I've experienced thoughts and feelings I'm not sure many people really feel until later years.... when they begin to wonder on death. I've had thoughts of how do we know we just don't die and that's it, or how do we get to see all our loved ones in heaven one day if they weren't all Christians? I've felt after talking to people pain, remorse, restless, even no feeling at all, the feeling that made me think of absolute death. It made me wonder... does it really even matter. The answer is, do you believe it does? You see... I got to think this stuff and then go... Satan.... you're fighting me to think these things just so I give up, but I'm not going to have any part of it. Even if I was to just die and that be the end, to believe that it's not and live for something I have faith in... to believe in an eternal life after death, which either my soul goes to you, or to my Savior... well, you know what, get behind me and stay there... where I know you're there but I don't have to see your ugly face. I'm striving for a life after death that doesn't include you. My internal struggle has never been such an epic battle until now... when I'm living, breathing, and finding love again everywhere I look. I have family, they get to be the love of my life forever... from start to finish, and in heaven. I have my friends... some come and go it seems, but the thought of them while they around still let's me love them, and I will see them again in heaven. You have the future children, adopted or biological, that I will get to see from birth until hopefully I pass on into God's hands, and then them too will I see in heaven. Last but not least, the one person I could love like no other while on earth, my future wife, whether I've met her not, which from the moment we meet till one of us departs will I love everlasting and so unconditionally even through fights we may have, and then, I will see her in heaven too. To have to think that I never will have to say goodbye forever... well... to me that makes it worth it there. But God supplied a bonus to me.... he called me son, and friend, and he said you're worth anything to me, so he sent his one son to die for me. But then he sold it to me... he said to his son.. arise... and he did. He overcame death, which was caused by sin, inspired by Satan, to say I am greater than even death, nothing will keep me down.

So after I woke up this morning... I took time... listening to the still and quiet... listening to "death" as it made me think of it. Finally at about 4 I decided I was going to kill the silence, but keep my mind on death. I ended up watching an anime movie called "Appleseed." To sum up the movie, humans and bioroids end up living together in the year 2131 A.D. in a Utopian society. Denuan Knute is a young female solider that is brought to this utopia to join in a militant force group. She in essence has to end up saving Olympus, which is the Utopian society. Just on a side note here... It is a very good movie even you don't watch anime (I don't usually which is how I can say that), and I'd recommend watching it. Anyways, several things occurred to me while watching this movie even though this wasn't my first time watching it. The first one struck me while the prime minister of Olympus says "What creature is a man that he would cage himself so willingly?" This struck me because in being home I have so many times felt like a wild animal stuck in a cage. I want to run again, encounter adventure, take a risk, and see what happens. Instead I'm stuck in Sanford, where I don't talk to many people, not even family really, and I have next to nothing to do. But so many times it's the other way around for man. Many times they want to play it safe... they want to have to not do too much, they don't want to have to take the risks.... so instead they willingly cage themselves to a safe little job, in a safe little home, where they encounter the same people daily and think nothing more except on the rare occasion... when they might ask themselves "is this really what I want to be doing?" I don't want to be stuck in a cage... a Utopian society where we interact with people whose feelings are suppressed as the bioroids' emotions are in the movie. The next thing that struck me was that in the movie there is an artificial intelligence system call Gaia that governs the city supposedly, but the truth is that it has been shut down and the Council of Elders have taken over the decision making process saying the whole time it's what Gaia wants. We do the very same to God at times. We shut down God because he's not saying what we want to hear, only to make up what we want to hear and pass it off as God saying it should be. The third and last thing specifically that really caught my attention was the last bit in the movie. Spoiler alert.... good guys win, whoo hoo! Anyways... at the last part of it the question is what now? Or at least that's the basics of it. Briareos answers by saying "It's up to us. It's been left in our hands." The last bit is a monologue from Deunan that basically says the sins of man may get worse for years to come, but if we teach them right, maybe, just maybe, our children might learn from the mistakes we've made and won't have to fight the same pointless battles we have been for years. It got me thinking... Jesus came down... specifically had 12 appointed apostles... but left it up to only a couple of them (for one had betrayed him and most the rest had been murdered) to lead the church. I know at least once those couple people he left had to be like, dude... uhmm... what do we do now. The only answer they had was to trust God and that it was up to them. As Christians seem to forget sometimes... it's up to us to lead others to Christ so that hopefully one day.... one day there might be less of all the sin and pointless fighting. Maybe we'll fight for love, instead of loving the fight. Maybe we'll be able to see past the differences of others to love them and live in peace. Maybe, just maybe, we can learn to honor and respect each other while trying to help those with different opinions. At the end of the movie I looked up to see a little bit of light coming through the windows, and I heard the birds chirping, dogs barking, people leaving to go to work or getting ready to, I heard and saw life.

I consider myself blessed to of had these past few days. I don't know how many people would call me crazy for saying that... I've only seen death about fifteen times up close... but once again... and maybe this time more than the others even, I get blessed to experience it. This one was different in that no one actually died, but it seemed close enough to multiple deaths that it took a toll, and in the end it has made me see that death being the end or not isn't the question... but for the time while you know you have life are you going to live?

Carpe Diem... Seize the day.... one of the best mottoes I know... because if you don't live for the day you're in now you don't know if you'll see tomorrow. Why not do what all you can now while you know you can?

Just Come Running

From the moment of birth trials and tribulations came upon you. At times you felt you just can't go on. Now that you're older not much has changed. Life continues to bring hardships your way. You got to keep going.

You know who you are; you know you are not alone, I've got a hundred reasons why I love you, So when you need them just come running, You know where to find me.

When the sun rises in the morning remember it’s a brand new day. Take hold of the chance while you have it. Make it yours. Don't let the sun go down on you without making peace in your soul. Life is too short just to hold onto all that has happened.

You know who you are; you know you are not alone, I've got a hundred reasons why I love you, So when you need them just come running, You know where to find me.

When you search me out I will hear you calling. Just know that I'm always close by. I'm standing with arms wide open.

You know who you are; you know you are not alone, I've got a hundred reasons why I love you, So when you need them just come running, You know where to find me.

Worth (What Are You)

After all these years of knowing you

I'm watching you slowly fade away

Ripping apart everything that comes close

Your a tornado running wild through the land

All this time I wonder to myself

Can't help but to think a question

Was it worth every single fight we had

Did every word I utter just fall to the ground

Have I been so misled to try and save you

What are you worth, what are you worth to me

We grew so close to each other

Learned what it was to trust others

Liked sitting out under the stars talking

Then I just watched you just turn away

Was it worth every single fight we had

Did every word I utter just fall to the ground

Have I been so misled to try and save you

What are you worth, what are you worth to me

Then I stop for a moment

Only to gather in a thought

It grasp me in firm arms

And it rips apart my heart

His father said you're worth his only son

He died upon the cross that day for you and I

He made it so that you could be saved

You were worth, you were worth everything to him

So now I give my life up to his will

I'll no longer ask the questions which I have

I won't let any breath go to waste upon myself

You are worth, you are worth everything to me.

Tonight

Tonight I saw the face of a child that didn't know what to do because the man she should've trusted most had betrayed her.

Tonight I saw the face of a child that had been almost starved and malnourished due to a mother that wasn't quite ready and had been abandoned.

Tonight I saw the face of a child that had been beaten while standing in between an enraged father and sibling.

Tonight I got to see how cruel the world can be to those that least deserve it.

Tonight I heard a man talk about God's calling.

Tonight I heard God's calling to put into motion what had a firm foundation built already.

Tonight I heard the unity of ten voices being raised to worship God with all they had within them.

Tonight I heard the weeping voice of a child that had learned that they had to trust God with all their might.

Tonight I heard the voice of someone that needed to hear God through me.

Tonight I held a child in my arms that hardly knew a loving touch existed.

Tonight I held the drumsticks that led a solid state of worship from middle schoolers.

Tonight I held dear the words that I had been hearing for the past week and a half.

Tonight I held God close by as he was well needed as he always is.

Tonight I watched tears fall from the generally happy faces.

Tonight I watched as a man brought a room to silence.

Tonight I watched as evil showed it's face for a second then fled the scene as God's grace was shown.

Tonight I watched literally knelt knees and bowed heads at an alter pray with all they had.

Tonight was one of those nights that only come once in a blue moon. I had been patiently waiting for a chance to the kids of the youth group I work with that I wasn't always this happy guy that they knew. Little did I know exactly what God had in store. He had in store every scenario I had been through and had been recently discussing with people. It tore me up to hear as middle schoolers told me what had happened to them... that these wonderful kids that always seemed so energetic and full of life had constantly been so close to death, so to speak. I had constantly known what to expect, but I still wasn't sure I was ready. I soon heard a voice saying it's your turn now. So I stepped out and sat in a seat next to one of the youth, and began my trek through the difficult lives that had been going on. I didn't realize how little I knew till it all began. I heard a song called "Rescue" playing in the background... and I was praying "Lord, help me here, cause I'm not the one that's going to help these kids here" as I learned of all types of situations. I wanted to cry so badly... but something stopped me... saying be strong... keep your head up and show them that it's possible to serve me after all of it. So, I did just that. A youth meeting that should've ended at 7:30 ended with the last youth getting out at a little after 8 due to the talks that were going on.

"It's not that I need you, but it's the fact that I need the God in you"

That's what I kept hearing in my head as I talked to those youth. That's what I pictured them saying to me as we talked. It took all I had to be able to focus when I got to MACU, and even with that I couldn't fully. Not to mention that I wasn't quite done yet, as I texted with this young girl that still had questions and all. Still after that, it wasn't over. I still had to explain to one more person what had gone on... what I had heard, seen, and found out.

"Even Peter, the rock, faltered, in fact... he denied Christ three times. It's in times like that in which we can look back and say, upon this my faith is built."

The last words spoken with the entire youth group listening. Echoes shot through my head. That was quite possibly the single and most simplistic way I had ever heard that. The rock had been faltered... only to be moved by the worst time of his life... denying Jesus three times right before our savior was sacrificed on that cross. I had one question left in my head.... "What will be the time that you'll look back and say that that was the time that eventually built the faith in God on which you lived? And would that compare to what Peter had to go through?"

Tonight, I saw God shine his light and brighten up a room filled with darkness. His mercy and grace brought out all we needed to say.

What did you see from God tonight? Did you pay enough attention? Or did you get too busy and caught up in what you were doing?